Ever bring your dad and baby to a work event?
How I went from embarrassed to so fucking grateful in 24 hours
Mariah Mueller
Mar 25, 2026
“Who’s that girl with the baby”
said nobody. Judged, by no one. Except the angry, sad, hurt inner critic holding the expectations of a version of me that I created to protect myself from the mean girls. Except plot twist, the mean girl was me, in my own head. Expecting me to be that woman who shows up at a summit created for soul-led founders and blends in. She’s just as put together, bold and self confident as the other energized women in the room. And if she’s struggling, she fakes it till she makes it and is just grateful to be there. BLEH, BORING!! Also, not the vibe at all!!!
I was an anxious, scattered messy human that first day and who the fuck am I trying to impress by being a business owner without kids??? I literally have two of two of them. I birthed this business while 6 months pregnant. And then I birthed an entire human being, only 8 months ago!!! The most badass thing I will ever do. And those kids? I am enamored by the snot dripping down their faces. I also birthed a version of me who gets to figure out how to have both in a way that’s never been modeled to me in real life (not to discredit all of the mothers I follow on the internet, it’s just different to witness it in real time). I have never been a business owner without being a mom. And I want to talk about that more, but first I need to just hold space for how much grief came up for me that day.
The mean, hurt teenager who always felt like she was missing out on something in the world danced with me the whole first day of the event. I remember when I decided to quit dancing after 14 years of ballet recitals, pointe shoes, being the lead in the nutcracker and Alice in Wonderland - I just quit. Because I couldn’t stand hearing my parents argue about how expensive it was anymore. Cue the “I’m a burden, this is too much.” And then I got a job at 15 after babysitting since I was 12 to try to help pay for my own existence. I remember that general feeling throughout my teens where I just wanted to fit in!!! I wanted to go to all of the parties and go with my friends on spring break trips, I wanted to rollerblade down the road in town where my friends lived and PLAY. But I existed in a family system that couldn’t afford much, walked on nervous eggshells around my alcoholic father, praised hard work, and reinforced how important hard work was to the point where at 14 and 15 “I couldn’t do those fun things because I had to work”. That line that we always say as adults. BORING!!! Stop postponing play!!!
Fast forward to me at 29 with 2 kids, one (who is just 8 months old) at this event with me and my dad is there to help care for her but she just hit her separation anxiety milestone, I breastfeed on demand aka all the time and BOOM I am right back to that 16 year old version of me who wants to roar “IT’S NOT FAIR”. I felt embarrassed. I kept apologizing for every noise she made, taking her out of the room with me so she wouldn’t disrupt the speakers, nursing far away from everyone. The thoughts running through my head were “they think I’m too young to be here”, “I hope nobody thinks I’m trying to be the center of attention by having her here,” “I hope nobody thinks I’m being rude by going in and out of the room every 15 mins when I hear her cry.” And while I kept saying: I just feel terrible for all of the women who had to leave their babies at home and were missing them. I was also throwing a pity party for myself because this was not going the way I desired. I really wanted a few hours at a time away from my baby to be present. To drop responsibility and PLAY. To connect, be seen, and actually listen to the women I have had the privilege of working with over the last year. I so deeply craved to be in the VIP room, hanging out in the hot tub, playing!!!! My reality was: my dad drove me down to help watch my 8 month old daughter so I could attend Soulward Summit and he actually ended up attending the event for the whole day because my daughter was glued to my hip.
And guess who else needed me? That 16 year old me who felt so out of control and pissed that she couldn’t be a kid when her body/soul just wanted to keep dancing. She needed me in that moment to hold myself and say “I know you feel disappointed and this doesn’t feel fair”. AND the kickass version of myself now, moved on once I let myself feel that!!!
At the end of the day, my dad and I grabbed burgers from a food truck near our Airbnb and then we talked about astrology, human design and jumping timelines for the rest of the evening. Yes, my BOOMER as fuck dad who was a raging alcoholic my whole life, who’s very sus about most things he’s never experienced himself, who will tell you EXACTLY how he feels about what you’re doing…went to this event and LISTENED to every single speaker. And then we talked about it and the house did not burn down. My nervous system did not send me into flight mode. It was the most grounding conversation and opportunity to invite him a little deeper into my world in ways we NEVER would have over our usual Sunday family lunches. He has been sober for 7 years and I have been sober for 5 so we often relate deeply on how important letting go of control is and this my friends was a full circle moment.
He vocalized “I wasn’t there for you a lot growing up but I was always proud of you”.
I said: “you were? I felt like your expectations were unreachable and you only ever responded with more criticism.”
He responded: “that wasn’t ok. Anything that pulled me away from drinking made me mad and I wasn’t ever concerned with how I treated you all. I just cared about myself even though I didn’t take care of myself.”
I said: “I know. I am very proud of myself today, at this event, at this time in my life and it has nothing to do with you or needing validation from you. I’m just proud of me for valuing myself…AND it means the world that you’re here, with my daughter and we’re having this conversation.”
He responded: “Hey, I’m not here to be praised, I’m here because I want to be.”
If he wanted to he would, father edition.
He drove us 11 hours for this!!!!
So let’s go back to feeling out of place at an event with my baby in a room full of INCREDIBLE, inspirational women. Meeting these humans in real life was a DREAM come true. I don’t put celebrities on pedestals but these women…are my anchor. I know and love and work with the co-founders of this event every day!!! We talked about these logistics - is it ok if I have to pop out to nurse Mazzy if she won’t take a bottle? They said: Yes. You’re literally going to be in a room full of women, we can’t wait to see you both! And every single woman I over-explained to, HELD me in certainty that nobody cares the way I think they do, and in fact it’s cool as hell and they’re so glad I brought her!!! I was met with “let me hold her!!” “I love her so much, this is really special,” “thank you for bringing her and your dad and being here,” “are you nursing right now? That’s so beautiful let me take a picture.” But for an entire DAY I let my brain to run its old programming where I fawn and fumble and feel afraid of rejection/feel like too much - AND THAT’S OK. Both things can be true - I can fawn, freak out, have anxiety about it, AND remember who the fuck I am and why this is the best version of my life thus far.
I am still a business owner. I still have clients who love working with me. I am taking the leap by doing it without dismissing the wholeness of how messy early motherhood is. I invite you to be messy with me. We’re not doing our kids, other mothers, society or ourselves any favors by trying to tidy up the complexity of mothering. In fact, if we were all more clear and direct about what we need as mothers in the world, the world would bend to accommodate this experience in more obvious ways!
You know when you see someone dancing with their hands above their head and you think oooh, that looks freeing, I can do that! That’s the energy I brought into the room on day 2. Confident because I am a mom, and a REALLY good one. Confident because I am a business owner, and a really intentional one. And the whole energy of my life and business shifted in that one day. I danced with my baby, did breath work with my baby, threw paint with my baby, spoke on the mic with my baby!!!! And listen, this isn’t my whole brand. I’m not “the woman who brought her dad and baby” forever (or maybe I will be telling this story on stages all over the world). But I am going to be the mom that Mazzy and Bodhi get to witness fumbling and figuring it out and having spit up covered blazers and milk covered shirts and that is so fucking cool with me. This is my dream life because I have chosen to figure out how to do it all without acting like I’m not.
Soulward Summit is for soulful founders ready to take a leap into their clearest vision, with certainty, self trust and a COMMUNITY of founders doing the same in their own ways. I unlearned as much as I learned and literally have 40 new friends to call on when I need support along the way.
